I am not sure why it took fifty years for my Baby Boy to finally have a grave marker. It has been so long now that I cannot remember the circumstances that prevented it. Perhaps it was his father and my young age, lack of finances or the pain of it that kept us from it. One thing I do know is that now he will have one. When people walk through the cemetery searching for their loved one's grave they won't just walk over little Allen's plot of land but they will, perhaps gaze down to see that the remains of a sweet little boy lies beneath in a tiny blue casket. They will read the words "See you in Heaven" and "Our love is forever". The only comfort I remember receiving was from my dad as he drove me to that cemetery on a very blustery December day in Southern California. It was in the words he spoke to me, "We know where your baby is." He was meaning "Heaven". I had given birth to this little four pound thirteen ounce baby boy who was quickly whisked away after the doctor restored his breathing. All I could do was lie there and do nothing. I was put in a room in a bed to wait. It was all a blur when the doctor explained the problem with his lungs. The night before he went to Heaven, the nurses came in my room and asked me if I would like to see my baby. They quietly ushered me in to the Nursery and there in the incubator was this perfect little boy receiving all the aid possible to keep him alive. As I put my hand inside, he looked directly into my eyes as I spoke softly, "Mama's here". I was 19 at the time and had a beautiful little two year old girl. I had married at 16 hoping to have a wonderful life as a wife, mother and home maker. That was the dream back then. Little white house with a matching picket fence. I had thought in the beginning that this would heal me from all the horrors of the past, an alcoholic, extremely abusive mother and then another several years with an emotionally abusive step mother. However, circumstances only became worse throughout the years. My life was being "tossed by the wind" of adversity and I was completely out of control. The depression seemed often times unbearable but I know now that there was an unseen hand holding me. That word "Heaven" my dad had spoken was implanted within me as a flicker of light to bring a bit of hope to me that there was more. During my darkest times that small light kept burning to keep me from going off the edge. During the years prior to 1972, I was given to every gusting of the wind. I felt I had no choice but to succumb to every evil blow, every tugging in this direction or that. Sometimes as if I were clawing with virtual bloody fingers to pull myself out of the nightmares and the pain. I wanted desperately to escape but there was no place to go. I was trapped in the darkness within. My little girl was my blessing but I could see life taking a toll on her as well. Then came another little girl two years after my little boy. I knew her tiny life was being impacted as well by the tossing of the wind. Then came Jesus! The Hero who was always there waiting for the perfect time to rescue this broken, hurting one and bring her out of the abyss. Oh, how indescribable! Oh, how amazing! Oh, how utterly breathtaking when His supernatural, all powerful, demon destroying, darkness shattering, all commanding, sin illuminating love broke through in my heart! I saw it all! He took this bruised, broken, helpless, achingly alone inside young woman and swooped her up and set her on a ROCK immovable. He wiped away every tear, awakened every dead emotion of life, brought joy instead of sorrow, hope instead of despair. Heaven became a solid promise and not just a flicker of hope amidst the darkness. I would absolutely be with my Baby someday! I was now and from that point on not an object to be tossed in the wind of adversity but a Born Again Child of God anchored securely on and in the Rock! Psalm 18:2: "The Lord is MY rock and MY fortress and MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock in whom I take refuge, MY shield and the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold." Note the emphasis on "MY". I could not say that until Jesus came to dwell in my inmost being by His Holy Spirit. He came to me and I received Him and he gave me the right to become his child. John 1:12. The adversities did not leave. I have gone through many more trials including the death of my parents, other relatives, many friends, dear pets. I have gone through divorce, watching a husband pass from this life to the next. I have faced the diagnosis of lung cancer followed by major surgery for its removal. The difference now is that the JOYS outweigh the sorrows because I am no longer "tossed by the wind" but I am secure in and on the Rock of Christ Jesus with the Eternal Hope of Heaven and knowing I will not only see my Baby Boy there but all those who have said "Yes" to Jesus and His Great Salvation!
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Of all things, I woke up from a nap in the middle of a “nightmare”. Maybe you would call it a “daymare”. My husband’s phone rang with a wrong number which awakened me. If I had not come back to reality, I was about to enter an emergency room surgery. I had witnessed a horrible accident due to an incident of road rage. A few cars less in front of me and I would have been one in the ER. I was drawn to pray for the individual who had been in the accident. I thought of my grandson as I had witnessed the eighteen-wheeler suspended end to end tipping back and forth on the side railing of the road. It was hanging precariously in the balance. I believe possibly in my dream I was questioning the identity of the victim. Just as I was to step through the large one-windowed doors of the operating room, I was brought to alert by the sudden ringing of the cell phone. Part of me wanted to go back into the dream to find out who it was in that hospital and the other part was thankful to be brought out of it.
This prior experience happened in this season that my heart is seeking more of the Lord. I do not want to settle for the “weak in the Spirit” feeling I am experiencing. I know the Spirit of God is not nor never will be, weak. So, the conclusion is that perhaps I am not pressing in as I could in our relationship. God never backs up; never becomes stale; never becomes lukewarm or apathetic toward us. He is alive as alive can be! Always wanting the fresh; always expressing His love in new ways toward His children. Sometimes it feels like He is actively thinking about and seeking new ways to excite us in His love. He is the Creator and is a creator. What keeps a relationship more alive than when the participants try to come up with new ways to express their love for one another. It keeps things fresh and alive with an adventurous excitement and redirection from the old to the new. Every day we can walk in newness of life! Every day we can be a New Creation in Christ! It doesn’t just happen. It is something we cultivate daily. It takes effort to “present your bodies a living sacrifice” unto the Lord. As we do, the rewards are great! From one degree of Glory to another, He is changing us. I desire in this new year and always to reach forward, to dream big and never lose my vision. There is life in vision. My greatest vision is to become more like Him; to become filled with the fullness of who He is until others see Him and not me.
“Then the LORD replied: "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. 3For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” Habakkuk 2:2&3. Everything will happen according to God’s appointed time. We need to walk close enough to Him to trust Him. As we focus on Him and becoming as the Apostle Paul tells us in Philippians 3:10, “…more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him”. He promises to “know” us and to fulfill all that He has designed us to be in Him. At the proper time and times, He WILL be seen in us. As we endeavor to be “found in Him”, He will be “found in us”. Let it be Lord Jesus! Thy will be done!
Back to my previous dream. I am not a dream interpreter in the least. However, I believe some dreams come to get our attention. Especially the ones we can remember in detail. I believe many lives hang in the balance as the life inside that semi dangling in limbo on the rail between life and disaster. I want to be one of the ones to offer life to those in that position whether they put themselves there or circumstances dictated their dilemma. I want to rush into their “emergency room” directed by the Holy Spirit to render the aid that is so vital to save their lives. I have the answer. I have the power. I have the Savior, Healer, Deliverer contained within my Being! I can pour out into their hearts the very prescription and actually fill it by the Power of His Spirit within me! I have been given the credentials and the commission to “Go into all the World and Preach the Gospel”, to “lay hands on the sick and they will recover”. We who “Believe” and serve the Lord Jesus Christ have been given His Authority to do these things. I am going to ask Him more in days to come, “What do YOU want? What is YOUR will in this situation? What is Your plan?” and ask that He give me ears to hear and eyes to see into His Heart of Hearts to bring His Kingdom, His Will on Earth as it is in Heaven. He is Faithful!