I am not sure why it took fifty years for my Baby Boy to finally have a grave marker. It has been so long now that I cannot remember the circumstances that prevented it. Perhaps it was his father and my young age, lack of finances or the pain of it that kept us from it. One thing I do know is that now he will have one. When people walk through the cemetery searching for their loved one's grave they won't just walk over little Allen's plot of land but they will, perhaps gaze down to see that the remains of a sweet little boy lies beneath in a tiny blue casket. They will read the words "See you in Heaven" and "Our love is forever". The only comfort I remember receiving was from my dad as he drove me to that cemetery on a very blustery December day in Southern California. It was in the words he spoke to me, "We know where your baby is." He was meaning "Heaven". I had given birth to this little four pound thirteen ounce baby boy who was quickly whisked away after the doctor restored his breathing. All I could do was lie there and do nothing. I was put in a room in a bed to wait. It was all a blur when the doctor explained the problem with his lungs. The night before he went to Heaven, the nurses came in my room and asked me if I would like to see my baby. They quietly ushered me in to the Nursery and there in the incubator was this perfect little boy receiving all the aid possible to keep him alive. As I put my hand inside, he looked directly into my eyes as I spoke softly, "Mama's here". I was 19 at the time and had a beautiful little two year old girl. I had married at 16 hoping to have a wonderful life as a wife, mother and home maker. That was the dream back then. Little white house with a matching picket fence. I had thought in the beginning that this would heal me from all the horrors of the past, an alcoholic, extremely abusive mother and then another several years with an emotionally abusive step mother. However, circumstances only became worse throughout the years. My life was being "tossed by the wind" of adversity and I was completely out of control. The depression seemed often times unbearable but I know now that there was an unseen hand holding me. That word "Heaven" my dad had spoken was implanted within me as a flicker of light to bring a bit of hope to me that there was more. During my darkest times that small light kept burning to keep me from going off the edge. During the years prior to 1972, I was given to every gusting of the wind. I felt I had no choice but to succumb to every evil blow, every tugging in this direction or that. Sometimes as if I were clawing with virtual bloody fingers to pull myself out of the nightmares and the pain. I wanted desperately to escape but there was no place to go. I was trapped in the darkness within. My little girl was my blessing but I could see life taking a toll on her as well. Then came another little girl two years after my little boy. I knew her tiny life was being impacted as well by the tossing of the wind. Then came Jesus! The Hero who was always there waiting for the perfect time to rescue this broken, hurting one and bring her out of the abyss. Oh, how indescribable! Oh, how amazing! Oh, how utterly breathtaking when His supernatural, all powerful, demon destroying, darkness shattering, all commanding, sin illuminating love broke through in my heart! I saw it all! He took this bruised, broken, helpless, achingly alone inside young woman and swooped her up and set her on a ROCK immovable. He wiped away every tear, awakened every dead emotion of life, brought joy instead of sorrow, hope instead of despair. Heaven became a solid promise and not just a flicker of hope amidst the darkness. I would absolutely be with my Baby someday! I was now and from that point on not an object to be tossed in the wind of adversity but a Born Again Child of God anchored securely on and in the Rock! Psalm 18:2: "The Lord is MY rock and MY fortress and MY deliverer, MY God, MY rock in whom I take refuge, MY shield and the horn of MY salvation, MY stronghold." Note the emphasis on "MY". I could not say that until Jesus came to dwell in my inmost being by His Holy Spirit. He came to me and I received Him and he gave me the right to become his child. John 1:12. The adversities did not leave. I have gone through many more trials including the death of my parents, other relatives, many friends, dear pets. I have gone through divorce, watching a husband pass from this life to the next. I have faced the diagnosis of lung cancer followed by major surgery for its removal. The difference now is that the JOYS outweigh the sorrows because I am no longer "tossed by the wind" but I am secure in and on the Rock of Christ Jesus with the Eternal Hope of Heaven and knowing I will not only see my Baby Boy there but all those who have said "Yes" to Jesus and His Great Salvation!
